Things to do

Right now, I should be writing my papers for school. But, like always, I'd rather do something else. Things to do for this year: Actually finish something I'd set out to do. That list is pretty long. So far, I need to find a way to get another car, get my own place, sort through papers (some dating ten years back)..I know, learn the guitar (practice everyday), practice speaking in portuguese, practice spanish, practice english (do you know how many words we don't use in our own language!), and lastly get fit. How do I do all these things? How do I save money and not jet off to some city to escape? How do I separate the pros and cons of reality and not be too affected by what someone tells me from their past experience, or just their blatant advice? I just want to write. I want to draw and sing. With me, I think in those simple things, I feel to be successful, there are so many other things you have to know first. It's this horrible inner struggle I've had forever it seems like. Right now, I'm even hating how ineloquent I feel I'm being. Just for the sake of getting my thoughts out now, and not putting it off, I'm writing them down..now.

I'm in a relationship currently, and I really never thought I would be. And if I was going to be, not like the state I am in. I feel really inadequate, not having the essential things needed to live in this damn city. But at the same time, I'm grateful I'm not in the situation I was before. I definitely have the freedom to do things as I please, to own, rent and go wherever with no real necessity to let anyone know why. That's a great gift. But, I feel like I've got to start all over again. That's what new year's are for though, right? It's really helped having someone in my life, I know who loves me and is not states away, like in past relationships. Like any, we have our dramas, but when you're long-distancing it, the dramas are like soap opera dramas, MAGNIFIED! This being my first one in a lonnnnng time in the same city, I've learned a lot. I'm still learning.

I wonder, not speaking through aesthetics or lofty daydreams, can I see myself with this man..for the rest of my life? And the truth is, I don't know yet. But, I think it's a really good sign, I don't shiver at the thought of it. In those daydreams, though lofty, I see our kids playing in our music room, imitating their dad with headphones on their little ears, I see me swollen like a house bossing him around to get me 'DARK CHOCLATE, NOT MILK CHOCOLATE', I see me taking care of everyone, but him being the provider, I see all the things that used to be important to me (i.e. not being photographed in the same outfit), not really mattering anymore. And I think all of that is good to see. I can't lie though, I'm still terrified of what could happen, what if he tires of me before all of that, or me of him? I know there's no real reason to worry about those things now, but they go through my mind. Isn't that crazy! Amidst everything that's what crosses my mind, these things surface at high. But under that I know I can't have that life, if it's meant for me if I don't finish something.

I don't know if I'm even making sense right now. But I just want so many things to be done already, so desperately that I'm considering something drastic. Why not move to Brazil now? immmersion! Or Mexico! That's closer, I'd surely learn Spanish then, won't I? God that doesn't make any sense. I guess you could say I'm a little confused. So many things to do, I don't know where to start. All I know is, I have to finish something, or I'm really just going to end up unsatifsifed. I can't keep putting other people in front of what my goals are. I noticed another habit of mine, is to adhere so much of myself to someone else, I almost forget myself a little bit. And when it's all over, whatever it was I concerned myself so much with, I feel a little less more and more. I don't want that to happen this time, I've got to change. I can't afford to lose anymore of myself. I know there's a balance.

I really miss my sister. We try to see each other at least two times a year. This year, it'll be harder, as my flight benefits have run out. But! I'm resourceful, naturally.. especially concerning traveling. But it's more than seeing her for a couple weeks. I really wish she was always around.

Wow, I really don't know where I was going with this. But it's nice to let it out.
This year, is to finishing things!