Things to do

Right now, I should be writing my papers for school. But, like always, I'd rather do something else. Things to do for this year: Actually finish something I'd set out to do. That list is pretty long. So far, I need to find a way to get another car, get my own place, sort through papers (some dating ten years back)..I know, learn the guitar (practice everyday), practice speaking in portuguese, practice spanish, practice english (do you know how many words we don't use in our own language!), and lastly get fit. How do I do all these things? How do I save money and not jet off to some city to escape? How do I separate the pros and cons of reality and not be too affected by what someone tells me from their past experience, or just their blatant advice? I just want to write. I want to draw and sing. With me, I think in those simple things, I feel to be successful, there are so many other things you have to know first. It's this horrible inner struggle I've had forever it seems like. Right now, I'm even hating how ineloquent I feel I'm being. Just for the sake of getting my thoughts out now, and not putting it off, I'm writing them down..now.

I'm in a relationship currently, and I really never thought I would be. And if I was going to be, not like the state I am in. I feel really inadequate, not having the essential things needed to live in this damn city. But at the same time, I'm grateful I'm not in the situation I was before. I definitely have the freedom to do things as I please, to own, rent and go wherever with no real necessity to let anyone know why. That's a great gift. But, I feel like I've got to start all over again. That's what new year's are for though, right? It's really helped having someone in my life, I know who loves me and is not states away, like in past relationships. Like any, we have our dramas, but when you're long-distancing it, the dramas are like soap opera dramas, MAGNIFIED! This being my first one in a lonnnnng time in the same city, I've learned a lot. I'm still learning.

I wonder, not speaking through aesthetics or lofty daydreams, can I see myself with this man..for the rest of my life? And the truth is, I don't know yet. But, I think it's a really good sign, I don't shiver at the thought of it. In those daydreams, though lofty, I see our kids playing in our music room, imitating their dad with headphones on their little ears, I see me swollen like a house bossing him around to get me 'DARK CHOCLATE, NOT MILK CHOCOLATE', I see me taking care of everyone, but him being the provider, I see all the things that used to be important to me (i.e. not being photographed in the same outfit), not really mattering anymore. And I think all of that is good to see. I can't lie though, I'm still terrified of what could happen, what if he tires of me before all of that, or me of him? I know there's no real reason to worry about those things now, but they go through my mind. Isn't that crazy! Amidst everything that's what crosses my mind, these things surface at high. But under that I know I can't have that life, if it's meant for me if I don't finish something.

I don't know if I'm even making sense right now. But I just want so many things to be done already, so desperately that I'm considering something drastic. Why not move to Brazil now? immmersion! Or Mexico! That's closer, I'd surely learn Spanish then, won't I? God that doesn't make any sense. I guess you could say I'm a little confused. So many things to do, I don't know where to start. All I know is, I have to finish something, or I'm really just going to end up unsatifsifed. I can't keep putting other people in front of what my goals are. I noticed another habit of mine, is to adhere so much of myself to someone else, I almost forget myself a little bit. And when it's all over, whatever it was I concerned myself so much with, I feel a little less more and more. I don't want that to happen this time, I've got to change. I can't afford to lose anymore of myself. I know there's a balance.

I really miss my sister. We try to see each other at least two times a year. This year, it'll be harder, as my flight benefits have run out. But! I'm resourceful, naturally.. especially concerning traveling. But it's more than seeing her for a couple weeks. I really wish she was always around.

Wow, I really don't know where I was going with this. But it's nice to let it out.
This year, is to finishing things!

So last night...

I went clubbing. And I grew this immunity towards it after working with club promotions for nearly three years. Anyway, I met someone when I was in New York this past Tuesday at Turntables on the Hudson. I know I know! I willingly went to a 'club like' scene in New York, when I won't even bother or dread doing it in Houston. But! Houston clubs and NY clubs..are different! Of course when you're in NY it seems no different than any other culturally diverse thing, but in Houston, the same music, the same people, etc. Or so I thought! I guess I just need to go once a month to not feel the monotany..Anyway, I digress again!! I had soo much fun! I got drunk! Which seems to be a pre-requisite for clubbing. And I danced..in HEELS! Which is very diffiuclt to do well. I met up with the person I befriended in NY and drank some more! OOoooo drinking! hahaha..yeah don't need to drink anymore. But one night of it, wasn't so bad. I didn't drink at all in NY and in general I'm not a really big drinker. When I drink, or want one, it's most likely because..I'm thirsty. So if I'm drinking an alcoholic beverage I drink it like there's no alchohol in it. Verrry bad. Next thing I know BAAM! The inner borracho takes over! You run into things and hurt yourself, but don't feel until the morning. You're loud and 'friendly'. You call people out on their bullshit a lot sooner than you would've otherwise, sober. You loudly sing the songs you're too cool to admit you really like, surprising yourself on how well you know the words. "You think you're cooler than meeeee"
Well, that's what happens to me when I'm drunk.
I slammed my finger in the bathroom door and it really hurts now. When I got to Rich's I met a very nice Nigerian man and quickly made him my official dance partner for the night. Well for about 20 min. He was getting too touchy. I told him I was 29. He told me he was 21. I told him I felt like a pedophile. And he replied, "Oh no you're a cougar!" I didn't honestly think he'd believe I was 29. And there's nothing wrong with being 29. I think it's that age that says you're young, but really don't have time for bullshit. So, at my 29 y/o age. I told him "I don't want to dance with you anymore" shook hands and just walked off. Oh, I really think I broke his heart.
Right before arriving at Rich's, I was at a place called Reign. That's where I met up with the NY acquaintance, I also saw a friend whom I hadn't seen in nearly a year. We had a pretty bad falling out. It was really odd too because I was totally just thinking about her a couple days prior. And then she just appeared, when I was drunk off my ass! And when I tell you I am NEVER drunk..yeah once in a blue moon. She saw me in a totally different light that night. We didn't completely reconcile because I was too intoxicated to talk seriously with her. The NY friend left me and we stayed a while longer. She insisted on me accompanying her to Rich's with these Russian/Spanish guys. Yes Russian Spanish guys. We hop in the cab and suddenly I'm made aware that apparently I'm from Brazil and just moved here 4 months ago. Doesn't my friend have a great imagination! So I just try to roll with it. One guy is trying to speak to me in Portuguese, my friend is talking to some guy in the back in Spanish. I think he was Russian, sounded like he was straight from Puerto Rico. Then the guy in the front seat made friends with the driver who also happened to be Russian.
"I HAVE TO PEE!!!!"
I felt the need to let everyone know this as we got closer to Rich's. My friend is tells me to go ahead and that she'd catch up. I stumble through the line with an authoritative entitlement. And yell again to the cash girl "I HAVE TO PEE!!!" And I had no troubles getting through. Inside I meet a girl with faux white eyelashes..I dunno. She was really polite though, let me go ahead of her.
"Yeah, you're doing the pee dance, guess you've gotta go a bit more than me"
The girl that was in the stall gives me this horrid stare. Must've been because I yelled "CAN YOU PLEASE PUSH THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR ASS A LITTLE BIT FASTER".. yeah must've been because of that.
Nevertheless, I get my pee on and slam my finger. Lost my friend and didn't have the patience to wait around. I did call and text. I even waited outside hoping to see her come out. It was wayyyy too loud in there.
Outside I met a bike cart driver..? Is that what you call them? Anyway, we were chatting it up. He complimented me and I indulged his whatever he was talking about with real interest. He bought me a water and a ice-cream. Yes there was an ice-cream man outside. And a pizza guy! The bike carter already had a pizza someone had given to him. Oh man, you should never accept food from strangers. Especially ones selling pizza at 3:24 in the morning. That pizza was sooo awful. I'm glad I didn't force myself to continue with the one slice. I would've felt wayyy worse today.
All the while though, I'm thinking, "How the fuck am I going to get back to my car???" And then I suddenly had this epiphany to have him bike me all the way from midtown to washington. This should be fun right?
And it totally was!! I've never gotten a ride on one of those things but it was so refreshing. The air was crisp and cool, very uncharacteristic of Houston. And the pace was nice and easy, not rushed, which is nice to enjoy from time to time. Especially after something with such high energy as a club. I got to my car in about 20 min. Gave him $15 and somehow managed to get home doing the speed limit no swervves. Check the fb and passed out.

I really had intentions of waking up in two hours for work in the morning, really I did. But that totally was NOT happening. The combination of two rum and cokes, three shots of.. something, one orange and grey goose, a quarter of really really bad pizza, a drum stick ice-cream cone, dancing for a rough total of two hours and ride in a bike cart all ending at my home at around 5am..yeah work at 7am was not happening.

So now, I'm looking for a job on craigslist. Ok, not really. I'm on facebook. But hopefully that little mandatory meeting that was so pleasantly bestowed upon us YESTERDAY was not too high in attendance. Maybe I won't have to search for one hahaha.

I really feel good. Nothing to do with the clubbing. Just felt soooo good to put my worries aside and stop being so serious all the time. It felt really really really good.

Houston

Overall I'm a happy person, I'd like to think so anyway. As the years have passed, I feel as if the colour that was once a rich brown in my skin, has become a greyed tint of beige/brown. Even the word beige, sounds depressing..and boring and mundane and monotonous. There is no doubt I have to get out of Houston. It is literally sucking the life out of my body. Regardless of how many trips I take, how many 'get aways' and amazing times I have outside of this city, the fact remains, I live here. Please forgive me if you are a die hard fan of Houston, but you and I will not be for the same team. Knowing I have to come back to this place is, for lack of a better term, depressing. There are things I enjoy here. I have really great relationships with some people. I like that the bus is only a block from my house. I like the convenient store conveniently also a block from my house (great for if I ever want chocolate at random times of the night). I like the sun and the heat that is always abundant. And I really like the serving sizes for food. Other than that, I do not like to generalize, but I feel there is a lack of progression in this city that others seem to effortlessly possess. Houston seems like it's getting there, but the destination is far from being realized. I'm impatient and so exhausted from slowing down to 'fit in'. Give me something anything that makes me move. I have to leave.